Wrap Your Marriage in the Word of God

Before Bill and I were married we had several talks about what we wanted in our bible-based marriage. We discussed our marriage roles as set out in Ephesians 5:21-33.

• 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

First, this verse doesn't say husbands and wives. It says one another, or fellow believers, out of reverence for Christ. I am going to be honest here. I had trouble with this idea. I am a strong personality and it took me awhile to realize I needed to rein myself in and yield the center of attention to others. It takes effort to consider other people, but that is what Jesus did. Out of my love for Jesus, I need to yield to my brothers, sisters, and my spouse.

• 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 

I surrendered to the Lord completely. I love Jesus with all my heart. My life is his and my desire is to do his will. This was my relationship with Jesus before my marriage, too. However, I didn't want to surrender any control to my husband. I am a strong and independent woman who didn't want my husband to be telling me what to do.  However, this verse doesn't say my husband is going to boss me around, or be in control of me. Go back to verse 21 and reread what it says; submitting is yielding to each other because you both revere Jesus. Jesus is the authority of your faith and before your marriage you are both yielding to one another out of reverence for Jesus because you are fellow believers. At least you should be doing this. Bill looks at our marriage as a team and he wanted and wants an equal partner.

• 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

These two verses were a stumbling block for me. I can submit to Christ because he is my Savior, but I did not want to apply this to my relationship with my husband, especially the part that says,"in everything." I am going to repeat that I am a strong and independent woman who doesn't want to surrender control of my decision making to my husband. My initial reaction was, "No way is he telling me what to do!" Bill and I talked about this and the analogy he used (that made and still makes sense to me) was that of partners in Team Bonham and one partner has 51% of the shares and the other partner has 49% of the shares. Both partners will talk about the major decisions and then the partner with 51% will make the decision. Yes, I had reservations about this, but I grudgingly gave my consent to this marriage model. That was 7 years ago and I can happily tell you that Bill rarely makes a final decision unless we are in total agreement. Why? because he wants me to be happy. He places my wants and needs above his own. Which brings us to verse 25.

• 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 
• 26 to make her holy, cleansing  her by the washing with water through the word, 
• 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Think about what these verses says and Jesus' actions. Husbands are told to love their wives in the same way Jesus loved the church. Jesus put the wants and needs of all mankind before his own. He reconciled man and God with his death upon the cross out of love. Unconditional love and grace was given to us by Jesus' sacrifice. Jesus made the church holy and blameless when each person submits to Jesus and takes their place within the body of the church. The following verses return to how husbands should love their wives. 

• 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 
• 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 
• 30 for we are members of his body.

These verses are clear as to the manner husbands should love their wives. However, I believe wives should also treat husbands in the same manner because of the opening verse, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." A marriage has to be balanced in the giving. If both spouses love, care, and feed each other just as Christ does the church, then both are giving of themselves to the other equally.

 Intimacy is being close to and concerned for each other other. Christ knows his church intimately and he cares for the church spiritually. Husbands are the spiritual leaders of the home. A godly husband reflects the light of Jesus through the indwelling Holy Spirit. These verses express an ideal standard that both spouses should try to achieve.  

• 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

You are both on the same team. A victory for one is a victory for the other. Face each life challenge together. Support each other with unconditional love. Honestly, you cannot change each other. Get that idea out of your head. If you are single, do not go into a marriage believing you can change your spouse. You cannot change another person. All you can do is to love them as they are, just as Jesus loves you exactly where you are. More marriages end because a spouse keeps trying to change the other partner and both end up profoundly unhappy. Only God and Jesus can change someone. Pray for your partner when you are upset. Lift them up to God through Jesus and let the Lord take care of the situation. 

Note: I am not talking about abusive behavior. Do not stay in an abusive relationship. These verses say to care for your spouse as you would feed and care for your body. Abuse isn't doing this. 

• 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.  
• 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Wives, please do not speak to your husband disrespectfully at anytime. The husband is the head of the family. He is the spiritual leader of the family. Show your spouse the same respect that you would show Jesus. Again I am referring back to the opening verse,"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." 

Spouses must love each other as themselves and be respectful of each other. Being disrespectful to each other is destructive. It will end your chance for a happy marriage. Your spouse may "suck it up", but not forever. Sooner or later, they are going to quit trying to make you happy.  Sarcasm is another destructive way of speaking to each other. It isn't respectful or showing the reverence of Christ. 

You are going to have to communicate with your spouse. Just make sure your talks are phrased as "I messages" and not as blame. It takes practice to communicate with your spouse. It isn't going to happen overnight. However, if you are submitting to one another with the reverence of Christ, then you will be a team and learn how to be equal partners. Remember, this is why sports teams have practice - so they are working together and learning to act as one.  

Another set of scripture that Bill and I adopted as our "marriage scriptures" is this one:

Two are better than one,

because they have a good return for their labor:

10If either of them falls down,

one can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls

and has no one to help them up.

11Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

But how can one keep warm alone?

12 Though one may be overpowered,

two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken   Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

In verse 12, the cord of three strands is the Lord, your spouse, and you. You are one cord made of three strands that is not quickly broken. Just make sure that the Lord is the first strand, your spouse is the second strand, and you are the third strand. 

I want you to know that what I have written is not professional help. I'm not a counselor. What I am is a spirit-filled, child of God who is relating how my godly husband and I have based our marriage upon the bible. Our marriage is seven years old and our "honeymoon" period has not ended. We put the Lord first, each other second, and then ourselves every day.  We have followed the biblical marriage model from the first day of our marriage and it is working for us. My hope is that you will try this biblical marriage model and strengthen your marriage too.