How Long Do You Grieve? Personal Loss and Biblical Grief

Jack Hull  in Jefferson City, MO 2004



My husband, Jack, died in 2005. I still miss him. The grief isn't sharp anymore, but it occasionally surfaces on his birthday, our wedding anniversary, and the anniversary of his death. The first three years were the roughest.

 "Helpful" Advice

Many people offered advice that was not helpful. Some of the "helpful" things other people told me were:

• You need to be strong
• If you grieve for more that a year, you need to seek help
• Crying won't fix anything
• Get on with your life and things will be better
• You need a hobby to focus on
• Your better off without him because he was so sick

Trying to Move On

I just wanted to mourn my loss and be left alone. Emotionally, I fluctuated back and forth between the different stages of grieving. Denial , anger, depression, and acceptance would come and go for the first year. Year Two I stayed in anger, and acceptance, with depression kicking in on anniversaries and holidays. Year two also brought a relapse back into pure grieving because I had been seeing a man that I really liked. However, he broke off the relationship because I was "too prickly". Wow, did that rejection cause a downward spiral. Sharp-edged, painful sorrow returned and it felt like Jack had died yesterday, instead of two years previously. Jack had loved me unconditionally. He loved me in spite of my imperfections. Prickliness hadn't stopped him from seeing the loving, warm, talented woman whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Depression returned. I felt rejected and unlovable.

Grief is...

Grief expert David Kessler at Grief.com says:
"...grief is a process, a journey. It does not end on a certain day or date. It is as individual as each of us. Grief is real because loss is real. Each grief has its own imprint, as distinctive and as unique as the person we lost. The pain of loss is so intense, so heartbreaking, because in loving we deeply connect with another human being, and grief is the reflection of the connection that has been lost. Grief is not just a series of events, or stages or time lines. Our Society places enormous pressure on us to get over loss, to get through the grief. But how long do you grieve for a husband of fifty years? A teenager killed in a car accident? A four-year-old child? A year? Five years? Forever? The loss happens in time, in fact in a moment, but its aftermath lasts a lifetime."

 Biblical Grief

Healing is a long process when your heart is broken. In Genesis 37:34-35, Jacob tore his clothes, put on sack cloth, and mourned for many days when he believed his youngest son Joseph was dead. Joseph was his baby and his favorite child. His other children tried to comfort him, but he wouldn't let them. He wanted to be with his dead son, Joseph.  I recognize that feeling.

Strong People Can Cry

Weeping helps release the pressure and emotional tension of grief. Do not let anyone tell you it's wrong to cry when your sad. Tears are a part of grief and sadness. You are still a strong person if you cry. Crying is NOT a sign of weakness.

Take Time to Mourn

 Matthew 5: 4 says "Those who mourn are blessed, for they will be comforted." God will be there to comfort you. Pray this verse to God in prayer.

Father,  I am asking you to comfort me. Your word says that I am blessed because I am mourning the loss of ______________. I am claiming that promise. Comfort me during this loss. In the mighty name of your son Jesus, who is my Lord and Savior I ask this. Amen.

Take time to grieve. In God's world  there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
                                a time to be born and a time to die,
                                a time to plant and a time to uproot,
                                a time to kill and a time to heal,
                                a time to tear down and a time to build,
                                a time to weep and a time to laugh,
                                a time to mourn and a time to dance...
                                Ecclesiastes 3:1-4