My beloved husband, Bill went home to Jesus on January 14, 2023.
He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and 12 weeks later, he was gone. It was so FAST! My home church started a 13-week Griefshare program two weeks after Bill was gone. I went and just felt too much pain to even begin to talk about Bill.
However, I found myself thinking about my first widowhood after my soulmate Jack went home to Jesus after a lifelong battle against inherited emphysema.
Jack and I knew our time together was limited.
As his illness progressed, I became his caregiver as well as his wife. We learned to live one day at a time. We learned to live each day like it was our last because it could be. That last summer, I warned my girls that Jack's time with us was short. Neither one wanted to face that. Even though Jack was their stepdad, they loved him with all their heart. Jack succumbed to his illness just two months short of our 12th anniversary.
After his death, I followed through on my long-term goal of buying another Harley-Davidson motorcycle and resumed riding. I bought a Sportster, acquired a motorcycle endorsement, and took off riding the highways of Missouri, Illinois, and Kentucky. I didn't realize I was running away from home on a Harley until much later. My girls and I had a rocky path ahead of us. I was putting on a brave face for them and my oldest daughter asked me why I wasn't crying. I told her I was, but not when she and her sister were home. A couple of days later, I did cry when they were home and scared them because I wailed my heart out. Yep, my emotions were swinging like a pendulum and I didn't know if I was going crazy or not.
.At year two of my widowhood, an acquaintance told me, "It's been two years. Shouldn't you be about over this by now?" I felt like I had been slapped! Sharing my vulnerability had obviously been a mistake. I retreated behind a mental wall and decided to not let anyone see my grief again. AND I didn't reveal my pain again!
Fast forward to sixteen years later.
Here I was, sitting in a room of men and women who were each walking through their own grief journeys. I was numb. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Bill was in heaven with my heart and I was a widow a second time. As I listened, I began to realize I'd not completely dealt with my grief after Jack went home to Jesus. At that time, I didn't know anything about grief support, making memory bears out of clothing, or anything like that. I was ignorant about that part of grief. To deal with my current pain, I had and was burying myself in my relationship with the Lord. That's always a good thing.
GriefShare has been the best thing I ever did for myself.
One night the video was sharing what to NOT say to someone grieving the loss of a loved one. Guess what? One of the things you shouldn't say is, "Shouldn't you be about over this now?" Oh, man! I could SO identify with that statement! I felt validated. More importantly, I was learning how to walk through my grief in healthy ways. I wasn't locking the grief away and acting as if I was fine. I was able to open up and talk about my feelings concerning the loss of my first and second beloved husbands, Jack and Bill. Two men who were so different! The one thing they had in common was me. They both loved me and wanted me to be happy.
I am now 22 months out from Bill's Homegoing.
I've been dreading the holidays, but preparing for them at the same time. Last Saturday, I participated in the one-day GriefShare class, How to Survive the Holidays. I attended last year, however a year of travel on my grief journey has changed my perspective. Also, this is my first Christmas without my sister Nan. I know that avoiding the holidays is not the answer for me. Facing my pain by being with my family is necessary for me to heal. I've also done a few things that are helping me to look forward to the holidays.
On Thanksgiving, I am making chocolate chip pecan bars that Bill would have loved! I'm sharing this at the Friendsgiving with my oldest daughter's family and friends. I'm celebrating with other family members by bringing my green bean casserole, rolls, and an apple pie. That's my normal contribution and both of my beloved husbands loved my green bean casserole, rolls, and any pie I made.
I couldn't put up my big tree last year, but I also can't give it up. Therefore, I bought 12 motorcycle gnome ornaments that will go with the 6 Harley-Davidson ornaments I bought last year and put away. My tree will be beautiful and different from the way I decorated it with Bill. I'm actually decorating the tree like the garage tree he and I had talked about, but never got around to putting up in the garage.
Last year and this year, I spent Bill's Christmas present money on two things. First, I donated part to the local motorcycle toy ride we participated in. Secondly, I sponsored a Wreaths Across America wreath in honor of Bill. Everything that I've talked about, I learned in GriefShare. These are simple ways to honor Bill. These two acts have helped me to be just a little bit happier. My heart hurts just a tiny bit less. I know Bill would approve.
